A LIFE SEEPED IN CATACLYSMIC RUTHFULNESS

A Life Seeped In Cataclysmic Ruthfulness. ........

Bloom, O ye amaranths! bloom for whom ye may,For me ye bloom not! Glide, rich streams, away!With lips unbrightened, wreathless brow, I stroll:And would you learn the spells that drowse my soul?Work without Hope draws nectar in a sieve,And Hope without an object cannot live..............How well do these lines by Samuel Taylour Coleridge give words to my gloomy spiritlessness. Past some days I'am experiencing a feeling of profound grief and unceasing solitude. I feel that my life has been a worthless nothing fit to be sent for perdition which I find doubtful I would get. Like every young and spirited soul I entered with a lot of hopes and feelings only to see them die all along in my arms. People often call me a cold person but have they ever tried to look inside me. Have they seen my happy self. Have they seen the situations i have gone through.

I found everything only to loose it in the way and when out of utter agony and confusion and inner turmoil i cried, I had no one to wipe my tears and no one to go to to find solace. So i got up and walked again with no one by my side. Now solutide is like a companion. Sometime ago I saw a ray of light but only to find dark clouds looming large over it. Such is the presence of my misfortune that whatever try to build seems to turn into a Frankestien's monster.

I'am told that yopu think a lot about pessimism but what they so obligengly overlook is that all my life I have had very few instances of times I can go to bed thinking and feeling happy about. The intensity of my emotions is the only thing that has not left me, I feel so striongly about things as i tend to loose them in the way. If loss is my fate then why.....WHY....should I settle for the second best.If I start something new all I will except should be fresh and new.

I have experienced that My abilities to communicate with people is depressingly low and going down. I'am at pains to explain my point which people take for my snub nose attitude and mr. stiff upper lip type. OK lets not evade the topic. I share everybody's pains and grief, but i have no one to share my feeling. I also find it terribly painful to explain my state.

With people around me I'am so alone, I talk to everyone yet i have no one to talk to, I want to help everyone and i have no one to help, I can be the best shoulder to cry and i have no shoulcer to look upon to cry.

OH GOD! I'am so alone ..........so alone. I do not hate solitude but solitude with a feeling of foredoom and agony has taken its toll on my capabilities. .............But what of life whose bitter hungry seaFlows at our heels,and gloom of sunless nightCovers the days which never more return?Ambition, love and all the thoughts that burnWe lose too soon, and only find delightIn withered husks of some dead memory.....How greedy we humans are,Germy Bentham was so right, that we only want pleasure and never want pain. When I give Bentham a thought, I think am'i stretching the matters on my side afront.? Am'I being too greedy? Am'I asking for more than I can have? But than for all that to happen I should have something. For there cannot be light without the lamp.

Now I have decided to leave everything to its bloody fate, all I will do will sit and see the events reaching their end because all which will be waiting for me will be ...............................................